If it's a Parody no one can sue you
by talesofwar
Summary: A bunch of one-shots of scenes of movies/books/animes featuring different Gintama characters with a Gintama twist. Suggestions for chapters are welcome.
1. chapter 1

Chap -1

Mulan-Okikagu

Kagura couldn't believe that the sadistic captain had told her to leave the camp. It wasn't her fault, between the captain's sadistic behaviour and all the cross dressing business ( and not to mention her completely useless silver perm 'Guardian ' and cricket wearing glasses ) she had fallen behind.

Now the girl stood, clutching Sadaharu's lease and watching as the captain's back grew smaller and smaller. Blinking back stupid tears she realised that the only way to stay was to complete one of the sadist's tasks.

She saw the pole at the centre of the training ground, it had stayed where it was since the very first day of training. With a strengthened resolve the redhead took the two weights and waded towards the pole.

As she struggled to climb, the permhead watched, occasionally digging his nose as he drank some stolen strawberry milk. Finally, after her sixth failed attempt he suggested," Why don't you use the weights as leverage instead of a burden".

Kagura nodded, the new found knowledge swirling around in her brain. She looked up, after all the arrow was the goal, now wasn't it.

The redhead took the two weights, swinging them back and forth for a while till she swung them against the wooden pole.

A loud thwack resounded throughout the training camp and the pole fell under the girl's impressive and hereditary strength, the pole falling on the captain's tent ( not that Kagura had done it purposely or anything).

Kagura beamed as she ran towards the tent, accidently stepping on the groaning form under the fallen cloth and with an air of triumph, she retrieved the arrow.

Due to the loud commotion the rest of the camp got up too. Many cheering and hooting for their comrade's feat ( whether it was for retrieving the arrow or stepping on the sadistic captain who had tormented them for so long, one did not know).

Okita got up, tearing the cloth of his tent with his sword, and saw the scene before him. Well what do you know, the scrawny smug piggy knew something.

The sadist congratulated Kagura patting her backside with a little too much force. " Good job kid, but remember when you cut the pole ensure that it falls not on your captain but on the enemy, like Hijikata san over there" he said to Kagura's now fallen form.

" The hell! ", the scribe shouted in his mayo print pyjamas, " Why is everyone acting like this is normal, the purpose was to climb not to destroy the pole! ".

But no one listened to him and instead Okita tried to shoot Hijikata with a bazooka.

*The End*

Hi, this is my first fic, so for those of you who still haven't gotten it, this is basically like a bunch of one-shot of scenes of different movies of books featuring gintama couples with its own sweet twist.

You guys are welcome to give suggestions for other chapters and I'll do it if I know of the movie/book/anime.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note:The following one shot is from a Chinese drama called eternal love, now for those of you who don't know anything about it, I'll just give a summary of the scene. It's kind of like a test of love with the guy aiming for the girl who is holding a flower with her mouth( btw it's a time travel series and the main character shares a body with another native soul)

Disclaimer: I do not own gintama

The Eternal Love: Okikagu

It was needless to say that Kagura was bored out of her mind, the past was horrible, the clothes too stuffy, the toilets disgusting, a sadistic loser prince for a husband and the worst of all... there was no sunoboku.

Kagura had spent days bemoaning the loss of her favourite snack (there was also her job as an assassin but her pachinko loving boss had yet to pay her the last two month's salary).

Kagura was especially annoyed today as she had been invited (forced) to watch the sadist shoot arrows at targets with Hijikata's face painted on it.

The redhead arrived in a swirl of blue along with her haindmaiden Otae, the woman all smiles and charms as she subtly dumped a Gorilla's body behind one of those ridiculously large pillars.

Kagura groaned as she saw all the machochistic concubines, internally wishing that she found out what the switch for the other girl to come out was. She would really like to leave all this annoying stuff to her.

Instead Kagura put on an extremely fake smile, one which was just enough to annoy everyone around you, it had taken years of schooling ( courtesy of her brother).

The redhead greeted the prince," Good morning sadist", she said sweetly as Otae bowed.

" Ah China", red eyes sparkled in mirth, " I think you forgot to bow to your husband, the seventh prince".

The redhead scowled, somehow the damn sadist always managed to push her buttons. She looked at the corner of her eye, Otae gave her a pleading look and Kagura relented.

She bowed but the action felt so sickening to her that she puked her guts out...all over the sadist's pretty clothes.

After a few minutes of panic and Yamazaki running to find a new shawl for the prince, the archery continued albeit with a new shawl and a more annoyed prince.

All the concubines oohed and aahed at the right time. Kagura yawned.

Yamazaki who had also been watching took notice of that and asked with empathy," Are you bored Consort? ".

Kagura turned her deadpanned blue eyes at Yamazaki, " Oh didn't see you there...Jimmy".

" Seriously we've met countless times before this, how do you still not know my name", Yamazaki screeched.

Urara one of the consorts, on hearing this said, " Hey why don't we make this entertaining'.

" How? ", Kagura asked, she really needed a distraction, if she had to watch this any longer she was going to start digging her nose and using the booger to throw the sadist off balance and she didn't want to spend time in the gallows ( well she'd still prefer it to seeing him shoot arrow after arrow).

" The consort can hold a flower between her lips and the prince can aim at it, it will be a true test of love",Urara suggested, a gleam in her eyes.

Everyone was shocked ( save for Otae who had disappeared behind the pillar once again and Sougo who had just stopped shooting), the main rreason for the shock being that a hardcore machochist could suggest such a sadistic thing.

" Are you questioning the bond between the prince and I", Kagura said in rage, " Because if you are then I'll give you an answer, it's already rotten and ready to break".

Kagura knew that Okita was a good archer, twenty minutes of watching him play was enough to know, but from the way he was now sadistically smiling Kagura knew that he was going to do something fishy.

" Don't worry China,my skills are second to none here", Sougo said,Kagura felt the urge to kick that smirk off so badly.

" It is tru-", a masculine voice behind the pillar said but his words morphed into screams.

Seeing that she was in a bind with no boss lady to save her Kagura said shakily, " How about another day? "

" Why is there something inconvenient about today?", Sougo asked, his eyes wide in fake innocence.

Kagura cursed mentally. " There are no flowers here though, save for the ones in Princess Mitsuba's garden aru", she said weakly.

" Here", Sougo said, handing her a single pink flower, " Hijikata San was going to give this to the princess, basically it doesn't matter if it gets pierced or sprayed with blood".

" You totally indicated that you're going to kill me aru", Kagura said, her left eye twitching slightly as she took the flower and walked towards the target.

" Relax China", Sougo said with an uncharacteristically gentle smile. Kagura almost trusted him, almost.

Kagura ducked just as the arrow whizzed past the place where her face had been earlier.

" The hell are you trying to do sadist! ", Kagura screamed in such rage that she forgot to add her character's 'cute' speech defect.

" Oops", Okita said innocently, " My hand slipped".

A Hijikata target board almost hit Okita in the head but he managed to block it with his bow at the last second. The prince winced, his wound had reopened and his hand was a little bruised up too.

" Oops", Kagura said not so innocently, " My hand slipped".

Despite the pain Okita smirked,oh it's on now.

The End*

Btw Urara is an actual character from Gintama, she's the younger sister from the correspondence arc.


	3. Chapter 3

**The following fic is on ' You Again' which is basically about this girl findimg out that her brother is going to marry her highschool bully. The following scene is the one where she is on the plane heading to her hometown and she realizes who the bride-to-be is.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama**

You Again-Hijimitsu

Okita Sougo was in shock. The flaxen haired man sat on his a little less than comfortable flight seat, airphone between his shoulder and ear and holding his cellphone with one hand.

The police officer was coming back home after quite some time for his sister's wedding, as he was talking to Kondou san about how he had yet to see the groom, he decided to check who the lucky man was...only to find out that it was the man who single handedly ruined his entire highschool life (by dating his sister).

The flaxen haired man got up, shock slowly turning to denial as he said ," Nice joke Kondou san, I'll be sure to pay you back in _double_ ". On hearing silence on the other end of the line Sougo continued, this time more panic filling his expressionless tone," It's the doppleganger isn't it, that Toshi guy who liked anime a lot".

" Sougo ", Kondou tried his best to talk in a gentle tone," You know that Toshi has been dating Mitsuba since highscho-".

" But they broke up once", Sougo reasoned, people were beginning to stare at him, an airhostess was heading his way.

" Sougo", Kondou sighed," You and Toshi work in the same precinct, you had to know about the wedding".

Sougo distinctly remembered classy envelops being handed around, but they mysteriously seemed to disappeared everytime he came close enough to look. That mayora, he made sure that Sougo couldn't find out until a sacrificial lamb was there to tell him.

" I thought that the mayonnaise last week would have done the deed", Sougo sadistically said.

" Hey! wait a second Sougo, is that the reason Toshi had to go to the ER las-"

The brunette air hostess ripped the airphone from Sougo's hand with suprising strength." Sir, the flight is about to take off", she said with a terrifying smile.

Now if Okita Sougo wasn't a trained and certified sadist from Yale university, he would have complied with the scary air hostess but there was no masochistic bone in his body and so he simply said," This is an emergency", and with a flash of his batch continued panicking over the phone.

After numerous attempts to get the flaxen haired man off his phone the brunette looked just about ready to murder someone.

Just when all hope was lost a black haired man tapped Sougo's shoulder, holding up an ID," Excuse me sir", the man said," You should listen to the air hostess, after all us civil officers should set an example ".

Sougo turned around, the voice sounded strikingly familiar, he registered the long black hair along with brown eyes and a ridiculous pirate's captain hat and eyepatch.

" I don't think a criminal should be telling me how to act in the public", Sougo said in a deadpanned tone as he clicked handcuffs around Katsura Kotaro's wrists.

A few minutes later Hijikata, Sougo and Kondo sat on the last seats of the airplane, celebrating their achievement with a bottle of champagne. They had gone undecover to catch the Rampant Noble and the plan they had devised had worked out great, despite the minute mishaps. Now all three were going to hand over the criminal to the police waiting at the next station and take a break to their hometown.

" Oi Sougo", Hijikata called," Did you actually spike my mayonnaise last week?"

" Of course not Hijikata san ", the flaxen haired man said," Remember I had a date with China at that time".

Hijikata nodded, a sense of uncertinity still present in his stomach. For some time the two watched their commander's failed attempts to woo the brunette air hostess before Sougo asked," And the thing about you marrying my sister, that was a lie too, right?"

The silence that followed was enough confirmation that Sougo had done a good job by carrying his bazooka and poisons in his suitcase.

 _The End_

*

 **I hope you liked this, it took me some time to update this fic and I've decided to update this weekly and during exams or anything else, I'll try to update more than usual just before they start.**

 **I may write an okikagu version of this fic inwhich Kamui is panicking ( though it's pretty half baked ).**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry I know it has been more than a week. No excuses here, I'm extremely sorry, so without further ado the next chapter**

You Again-Bonus Okikagu

Kamui stared in shock as he saw the photo of the sandy haired bastard staring back at him.

The redhead could not believe that his only sister was getting married to that annoying piece of shit who ruined his highschool years.

" Captain, aren't you exaggerating a bit too much", Abuto said as he saw the young redhead harrasing one of the helicopter drivers to fly him to Edo ( it wasn't harrasement, Kamui argued, all he did was give people his trademark smile, it wasn't his fault that they were scared of that).

Kamui turned to his comrade," Really Abuto, do you want to know what that sick bastard did to me back in my highschool days".

Despite Abuto's shouts of protests, a flashback began to play.

 _Flashback_

 _Kamui sits on the terrace of his school ( because that is where all protagonist's sit and also because he exchanged his parfait for the terrace keys with an idiot perm head teacher)._

 _As he eats his tenth red paste bun a glimmer of sandy brown catches his eye. The red head looks up to see a boy sitting on one of the tanks of the terrace, a solemn expression on the boy's face as he stares into the infinite horizon._

 _" Oi ", Kamui yells," You're in my territory punk, what do you think you're doing ?", Kamui says in his best gangsta tone._

 _The boy ignores him._

 _Kamui does not get angry, no instead he just smiles, like he always does and kicks the tank that the boy is sitting on and watches in glee as the sandy brown haired kid falls off the edge due to the earthquake like vibrations._

 _" Tch", the boy scowls," You're not even from this school asshole, I should be the one telling you to lay off my turf"._

 _Kamui's smile widens, " It dosen't matter what branch a bird decides to hop to and from", Kamui saus wisely when in actuality he knows it's utter bull as the only reason he's here so often is to challenge the cyclopse delinquet._

 _The fight begins and ends pretty fast, between one punch and the next, Kamui's specially saved sausage falls out and Okita steps and slips on it._

 _Kamui falls to the ground, holding the corpse close to him as the sandy haired boy crashes into a dark haired sensie out for a smoke._

 _" Noooo!" cries Kamui, thinking of all the pain he went through to hide that sausage from his gluttonous sister and how carefully he picked out the size and flavour._

 _" Not here, not now, you could have recieved your death in a happier way ( in my stomach )"._

 _Kamui promised that he would get revenge, he turned to the sandy haired boy, murderous rage in his eyes, but then his stomach grumbled. So he made a promise that he would return again and sooth his vengence and jumped off the roof with the sensei shouted at his back._

 _End of Flashback_

" That's it", Abuto said bewildered," Over a stupid sausage, I thought you were going to say something like how you're sister was too young and much too good to get married to the sadist".

Kamui wrinkled his nose," Did you hit your head Abuto, only because thoes fanfiction authors make my character to be a siscon and write", Kamui shuddered," Incest fics dosen't mean I'm actually one, I mean my character has in the anime made no indications of that".

Kamui straightened up," As it is, my sausage wasn't the only victim, I got a fractured arm thanks to that bastard".

" That's because you jumped off a terrace, this isn't the anime where you have superhuman yato strength, you should feel happy you escaped with just a fracture".

Kamui ignored his statement, " Anyway Abotu, we have to go to Edo, the only way I can avenge my sausage is by taking his, specifically the one hanging from his crotch".

Abuto silently prayed that this wasn't going to turn into an Okita x Kamui fic and after a while told Kamui," Captain you know that you can't go right".

" Why not ", Kamui asked innocently as he grabbed a machine gun.

" Because that sandy haired bastard is a part of a special force unit with guards and stuff for his wedding and you", Abuto paused to catch a breath," Are a part of the chinese mafia and no one is going to give you an army to invade a heavily guarded wedding just to kill a guy".

Kamui blinked and for the first time in history agreed with his vice commander.

Abuto was so happy at the maturity of his commander that he weeped in joy." Let's just send a bomb to him before the wedding", Kamui said with a smile.

The tears of happiness turned into tears of dispair

The End


	5. Chapter 5

Sleeping Beauty- Ginstu

Gintoki barely managed to escape the column of fire.

Rolling over in order to curb any stray fires, the silver haired man stared at the Golden Drakon in annoyance.

" Listen I'm not here to kiss that princess or whatever you've been blabbering about. I'm just here to steal some unguarded gold from the treasury", Gintoki reasoned as he held his sword in front of him in a defensive stance.

In hindsight, he should have probably not mentioned the last part.

" That's exactly the issue!", the golden dragon screeched.

As it turns out fire and wood go a little too well together.

Gintoki cursed as he ran towards the nearest pond and stuck his sword there.

He hadn't expected there to be an actual guard to this place.

After crossing that dark forest, the wall of thorny bushes due to which Gintoki still found a few thorns in his armour.

Finally after going through a sweets free diet for five days, FIVE DAYS, he finally reached the castle, only to find it guarded by a strong and rather attractive drakon.

" You shouldn't let your guard down, _Shiroyasha",_ the golden haired drakon hissed the last part in disgust as she held a glinting piece of metal against his throat.

Gintoki clicked his tongue in annoyance, " Listen lady, it's Gintoki, not ' Shiroyasha' and I was just hired by a baldy hunter to get his daughter back and probably get some cash on the side, but only enough for some parfait".

The drakon pressed the dagger closer to his throat, enough to slice a bit of flesh.

" And I don't care, I'm here to insure that someone suiting wakes the princess which most definitely does not include an ex knight who went against his own king!".

Gintoki sighed, this soo wasn't worth a thousand jewels, he wasn't in the mood to fight such an honourable being, she reminded him a bit too much of Zura ( and also because he had a feeling he would loose badly ).

As it is, Shinpachi could always break the magic law and turn some straw to gold.

" The kiss dosen't only wake her up, it binds them for life, right?" Gintoki said as the Drakon stiffened.

" Okay, let's make a deal, you're clearly chained to this forest and town area until the princess awakes, how about I strike a deal..."

" Tsukyo", the Drakon offered more out of habit than curiosity.

" I'll go around the eleven kingdoms, searching for a suitable groom, just so we can speed up the process and you let me go".

Tsukyo didn't change her position," I'd be an idiot to believe you".

Damn, there goes plan A.

" Alright let's make a blood promise", Gintoki said lazily, hoping she'd answer fast before he began to regret this.

Tsukyo let go, her violet eyes widening, " A blood promise! You do know that you'll have to search and search till you die, right?"

Don't rub salt on the wound, Gintoki thought moodily as he nodded yes.

" But on one condition", Gintoki said as Tsukyo gave him a questioning glance.

" You're going to have to treat me to parfait everytime I visit", Gintoki said with a wink.

To be continued

 _6666666 Bonus Scene 66666666_

" Heyyy, what do you mean I drank the whole store!!!!", Tsukyo yelled angrily as she smasked an empty bottle at the counter, right next to the frightened bartender.

At least she thought it was an empty bottle, it was actually poor Gintoki.

" What have I done", Gintoki silently cried as all Shinpachi could do was shake his head in sympathy.

" Well it serves him right", Shinpachi decided after a while, " There's no way I can turn pebbles into parfait and Jump".

 **66666666666666666666666666**

 **AN: I'm sorry for taking such a long break, especially after that previous AN saying that I'm going to update weekly.**

 **Honestly, I've been at a loss on what to write for a while now, but I finally came up with something.**

 **Updates are going to be irregular, but I've set my target chapter limit at 10 - 20 chapters, so I'm going to finish till there at least.**

 **I hope you enjoyed, please Like and Review**


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